Never Try Anything New... Ever.

Over the weekend I was coerced into trying new things. In the year that I have lived in Florida I have not done anything adventurous or out of my comfort zone. I like to stay firmly where I know it is safe and I won’t die.  This weekend I learned why.

My friends thought it would be fun to go paddle boarding. One friend owns a paddle board and lives off a calm canal so we all decided to go to her house. We decided to meet at her house at 11 so I had to get out of bed before 1 pm and that’s pretty adventurous for me right there. Since I drive a minivan I picked up two of the girls and we drove like 40 minutes to Ft Myers Beach. It wasn’t a particularly sunny day so I only put on  one layer of sunscreen (the kind made for babies). Adventurous for my borderline-albino skin tone.

We got there and the ladies got on the paddle board and kayaks. I took pictures, laughed, and played with the dogs (within my nice, safe comfort zone). Then the sun came out and we had a few drinks, sat in the pool, and applied more sunscreen (three times).

After a few hours and a bright pink skin tone the ladies thought it would be a great idea for me to try paddle boarding. I have no balance so the ladies decided I should lie on the board and have someone else stand up and paddle for me. Okay, so I have a minor grasp of physics, but I’m pretty sure if the force pushing down is greater than the force pushing back up it will make for a very unhappy camper. Well I had just enough to drink where I was feeling adventurous… Mistake.

They pulled the board up to the edge of the doc and the sea wall. I got really nervous and tried to back out so the one girl stood on the board and showed me how I wouldn’t sink… then another girl decided to demonstrate that she wouldn’t fall even if there was a wave or something and kind of stomped on the back of the board. That poor girl flew into the air and fell into that canal. It was hilarious, but horrible at the same time. She lost her sunglasses in the murky salt water. It made me wonder how many pairs of sunglasses and other various items have been lost to similar incidents.

She crawled out and was fine. So I went to crawl onto the board with much hesitation. I do believe there were three girls yelling at me at once and all I could think of was what outfit I’d want to wear to  my funeral and how I didn’t want paramedics to see that particular bathing suit. At the very moment I pictured hot paramedics trying to drag my lifeless body out of the canal I started to slip and completely ate it. I plunged into the dark water and prayed for my favorite cheapo sunglasses and my life. In that order.

By the grace of God I made it to the surface just fine. I floated there and counted limbs. I was alive. Then a moment of panic set in. Alligators. I rushed to the dock and realized they don’t have a ladder. Dear Lord save me. I clawed my way out of that water. Barnacles did the same to my legs and feet. After quite a bit of effort I was on land again. I did an inventory of fingers and toes and again praised Jesus for my safety. It was then I realized blood was gushing from  my knees, shins, and feet. ..Awesome. At that point I tried to throw in the towel. Enough adventure for one day, but no. Those ladies made it their personal goal to get me on that board even if it meant loss of limb.

At this point I was still unaware of the intense crimson shade of my skin.

I screamed out to the two on kayaks and told them there was no way I was getting on that board, but I soon felt two strong arms pulling my waist towards the board. Those skinny chicks can really hold their own. So the next thing I knew I was back on that board- bloody knees and all. I moved very slowly and crawled to the front of the board. I was on the board and floating. Who knew paddle boards could hold this pleasantly-plump bod?

So I was on my stomach on this board and determined not to fall back into that possibly shark-invested water. Two chicks were talking behind me and insisting on having the one stand on the board and paddle for me. So I started thinking about it logically and realized my bodacious bod took up too much of the board for anyone’s legs to stand on the board with me. Upon this realization this chick stepped onto the board and toppled the two of us.

As I plummeted in the water for the second time, I started thinking about the blood pouring from my appendages and the tornado of sharks ready to hold me under, drown me, and devour my lifeless corpse. I barely made it to the surface when I started doing whatever the swimming version of sprinting is to the dock. Once again I clawed my way out of the water. However, this time my hand slipped and I felt the barnacles take a giant gash and huge chunk out of my thumb. I was done for- I knew it. That canal in Ft Myers was about to be my deathbed. I slipped twice. I cut my toes, fingers, elbows, and forearms. There was blood all over my limbs and chunks of me floating in the canal. There’s probably part of my left thumb in the Gulf of Mexico right now.

After I safely made it to shore and showed everyone that my thumb was practically hanging by a thread they finally agreed to let me raise the white flag so I could enjoy my remaining limbs. It was then I realized just how sunburned I was.

Three days later and I still can’t raise my arms over my head without screaming in pain from the burn on my shoulders and my face… oh my face.  I have lost 50% use of my left thumb and 25% use of my right big toe. But I’m alive. “I’m not gonna say I survived. I say I thrived.”

In summation… I tried something and I lived! Maybe I don’t need to stay in the comfort zone forever? Maybe I’ll try something new more often? At least once I make a full recovery.

“Take chances. Make mistakes. Get messy!” (Just try not to get bloody.)

My DAY at the Airport

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I flew to Maryland for Christmas and I thought it was going to be the best trip ever. Boy was I wrong. Well partially wrong. I’m currently writing this from my flight after midnight.

12/23 2pFreedom!!! I left work and was officially on vacation! I drove straight home and finished packing. Of course my suitcase is overflowing (I am concerned that it busted in the bottom of the plane and my undies are rolling about in the cargo). But I don’t care. I had plenty of time to get everything together before my favorite uncle was to pick me up. So I gathered everything, removed a few sweaters from my suitcase and zipped it shut with “ease.”

12/23 3:45pI got a call from Southwest that my flight was delayed from 6:30 to 7:20. Okay. No big deal. So I give my cat, my traveling companion, his kitty Xanax and head out the door.

12/23 4:20pI get another call from Southwest; my flight was pushed back to 7:45. Okay so one hour, whatever.

12/23 4:35pCheck in. “Ma’am your flight has been delayed to 8:55.” Okay. That sucks, but manageable. So I meandered through the airport slowly making my way through security, grab a cup of coffee and get to my gate.

12/23 5:15pThe Southwest desk lady shows up and the board is now saying departure 9:10. This is getting ridiculous. I don’t want to wait that long.

12/23 5:18pStanding in line to see the options and the board switches departure time to 11. 11pm. Are you f-ing kidding me?

12/23 5:20pPanic. The line jumps to 40 people long. Everyone immediately wants to change their flight, understandably so. So I go back to my seat, cat in tow. He starts getting ancy and smelling of farts. Lord help me. I get back to my seat and I smell it again. I look in and my precious baby boy has let out a nervous turd. I run to the bathroom hoping there was just the one. (Turbulence- this is where I could die.) I open the carrier and there was one little one. Thank God. However, he won’t stop clawing at the mesh in his carrier and screaming. I sat in the bathroom and called my mom to see what I should do. (Didn’t die, but it messed up my typing.)

12/23 6:10pSo with a screaming cat in the background I decided I was going to wait around for my flight. I am filled with anger and concern for my cat. I frantically asked for a pet relief area. They only have a patch of grass outside. I don’t have a leash… That would never work. Also, how often do you see cats on leashes? And even if I put my cat on a leash he probably wouldn’t poo where thousands of dogs have poo’d in the past. So I improvised. My cat and I locked ourselves in the family restroom that is basically a small room. I opened his carrier and let him walk around. It was at that moment I realized just how glamorous my life is. I was sitting on the floor of a public restroom praying that my cat would poop anywhere but inside his carrier. I literally prayed that my cat would poop on the floor in a public restroom. New low?

12/23 6:34pIf that was a new low the I found the sub-basement. I held Louis over the toilet and rubbed his belly. Praying he would poop in the toilet. He did not.

12/23 6:48pLouis and I left the public restroom with no success. He was still rolling around inside his carrier and scratching at the mesh. At this point he had ripped off the claw covers so his razor-sharp nails were exposed. Ouch.

12/23 7:00p I get back to my gate and sit down. The line is still full of people trying to change their flight. I have no sympathy.

12/23 7:05p A young couple and their daughter sat on the seats backed up to mine.

12/23 7:06p The daughter is really loud.

12/23 7:20p There’s a really dog wondering around outside of his carrier. This dog is a lab/ put bull/ boxer mix. It is too tall for its carrier and cannot stand. Drama ensues. Southwest does not want to allow her dog on the flight. Southwest agent storms off saying they will get their supervisor.

12/23 7:50p Delirious? A plane lands at our gate. Could this be my flight?! No. It was the plane, but the pilots were wrong. They were bringing in a pilot from elsewhere and we couldn’t leave without him. We waited 7 hours for this man to fly our plane.

12/23 8:15p Child was still really loud. She made friends and announced so very loudly. I don’t want to hear her voice. Make her stop.

12/23 8:19p A group of three pilots walk through the airport. Fellow potential passengers scream loudly offering them money to fly us home. The pilots laugh and continue walking. We were not joking. They are on my shit list. 

12/23 9:30p That little girl is playing with the puppy and its puppy tooth got stuck on her pants. She screamed “but these are MY pants” in a tone that was nearly glass shattering. Make her stop.

12/23 10:11p A fellow potential passenger vomited all over herself. This maybe 65-year-old woman was traveling with what I assumed to be her husband, daughter, and two granddaughters. Now once you vomit all over yourself wouldn’t you rush to a trash can or toilet? Yes, you would because you’re normal. This woman just sat there and continued to vomit onto her lap. Like she had never vomited before in her life and didn’t know the proper procedure.

  So she sat there vomiting on herself until her daughter intervened and handed her a newspaper. Well of course it was late and all the stores were closed so this woman couldn’t get new clothes. At this point she’s still puking into the newspaper and no one seems to notice. Literally, there’s vomit on the floor and the Southwest people as well as the other potential passengers are either ignoring it or don’t know it is happening. I don’t know, but it was so gross.

12/23 10:26p Pukey McPukerson finally went to the bathroom. With her daughter. The husband moved his seat. How loving….

12/23 10:33pPukey McPukerson came back. Same clothes, clearly stained. Her family refused to sit around her. I assume she’s drunk and they look mad.

12/23 10:36pA Southwest personnel walks over to super tall puppy and says it can’t fly. The potential passenger with terrible grammar (from Jersey and proudly working on GED) starts to cry and utter inaudible pleas. The Southwest agent literally asked her to calm down and speak slowly. Once she reached a level of near-normalcy she explained she’s from Sarasota and took a cab down here. She said she doesn’t know anyone that would take the dog especially at this point. She begged and pleaded. The dog was drugged and could sleep comfortably in the carrier. The Southwest lady clearly felt bad for the Jersey native, that had clearly missed her connecting flight and allowed the dog to fly. People around her literally cheered. It was weird. I mean if you think about it she’s shoving a dog into a carrier that’s too small for it… PETA petitions better conditions for chickens so I can only imagine how they’d feel about this dog. Granted it’s only two hours, but whatever.

12/23 11:00p Why the f am I not on this plane?

12/23 11:18pWhy the f am I not on this plane? I have been at the airport for 7 hours. I just want to be in Baltimore in a bed. My poor Louis hasn’t gone to the bathroom in at least 8 hours. At this point he has been drugged twice and is fighting it. Every twenty minutes he would wake up screaming and clawing to try and get his way out of the carrier. It broke my heart every time because there was nothing I could do.

12/23 11:30p Supposedly boarding soon. I just wanted to cry.

12/23 11:48p Finally got on that damn plane!!!

12/23 11:51p Pukey McPukerson sat right freaking behind me. Are you f-ing kidding me?

12/23 11:52p “I’m going to need your barf bag too.” -Pukey to her husband.

12/23 11:53p The smell crept in. Everyone else has sat down and it is too late to move. This is how I’m going to die. I’m going to smell vomit and old lady for two hours. Lord help me.

12/24 12:01a Christmas Eve. I was supposed to be sitting at a bar right now with my friends in Maryland. Damn Southwest.

12/24 12:08a Finally off the ground!!

12/24 2:24aFinally landed in Baltimore. Dear Lord get me away from these people.

12/24 2:50a My father found me at the luggage carousel and my luggage. We also found the puppy had peed… Right on the floor. Spectacular!

12/24 3:30aBed! Oh bed, sweet bed!! 11 hours later, I was in bed. No thanks to Southwest. I’m writing an angry letter.

In summation: there’s a reason Southwest is so cheap and I hate children after 11 hours of travel.

"Fun" Run?

Ladies and gentlemen, the latest trend is running. That’s right, running. Who decides these trends? The oldest running marathon thing I remember is the turkey trot around Thanksgiving in my elementary school years. Even then my friends and I didn’t actually run it. If you ever see me actually running then you need to call the police because something is wrong. I feel like half the fun of running is bragging to people that you’re running.

Let us discuss my favorite ridiculous trendy run, the color run. This type of 5K only has two rules per their website, TheColorRun.com. The first rule is to wear white at the starting line. Simple enough. The second and last rule is to cross the finish line “plastered in color.”  Okay, I get the concept; the tie dying of a shirt in public is pretty appealing. However, think about it logically. You’re running a 5K and you need your lungs to breathe so you don’t build up lactic acid in your muscles and whatever that episode the “The Magic School Bus” tried to teach me. Remember banging erasers as a kid? Remember all that chalk that flew around everywhere got in your eyes, nose, mouth, and even in your hair? Yeah that sucked, didn’t it? Well at the color run that’s what is being thrown around. I can’t think of anything that would make the super awesome activity of running even more fun than breathing in chalk dust. Clearly, I don’t share that opinion with anyone else because this 5K is incredibly popular.

These days there are few things more trendy than zombies. So why not combine people’s love for zombies with their love for running? I think this race sounds almost fun especially since one of the legitimate rules is “be prepared to get your groove on.” It would probably be more entertaining to watch than to actually run, but to each his own. According to RunForYourLives.com, you’ll be chased by zombies AND have to avoid obstacles: “Jump, slide, and climb your way through our blood pit, smokehouse, and maze (amongst others), all while zombies are hot on your tail.” Blood pit? Yeah that’s what I want to wade through… blood. If there wasn’t a blood pit and I actually had a desire to run I would totally run this race. At the end of the race there is a “safe zone” where zombies can’t get you and there’s an apocalypse party that sounds kind of cool.  The only thing I really don’t understand about this race is what happens if a zombie catches you? Do you turn into a zombie? Do you leave the race? Unfortunately, there wasn’t a phone number I could call. I think I’ll stay on the sidelines.

The Tough Mudder. If the devil was a race it would be Tough Mudder. You crawl through mud. Do I have to say more? I would like to know how much mud the runners ingest while running. Just thinking about running this race makes me want to vomit.

So basically, I can’t understand why running is popular in the first place, but I guess if you want to run you should make it interesting!

How to Fly Southwest

I’ve been doing some traveling lately and I found it best to fly Southwest. It is cheap, convenient, and bags fly free. However, the potential downfall is the lack of assigned seats. This is kind of awesome in a sense that if the flight isn’t full you can sit wherever you want. On any other flight I have found they frown upon seat changing. Maybe that’s just me.

As a bigger girl it is a struggle to travel comfortably. I always get nervous that I’ll get stuck in a middle seat between two bigger people (that happened to me once on United… Worst flight ever!). So I have come up with a plan that has yet to fail me. (If I knew how to do a flow chart on here this would be super cool. Since I don’t it is only an informative paragraph.)

First, figure out if the flight is full. Go ask the person at the weird desk where you’d upgrade your seat if you’re picky. They’re usually smart enough to know.

If the flight IS full then you go around that gate seating area and find yourself the most petite person there. Be careful not to pick a child or an elderly person. The child, obviously, could be extremely loud. The elderly person might want to chat the entire flight and if you’re like me you want to keep to yourself. Also, it is important to know your choice person could smell so choose wisely.

Once you find that super petite person you stick with them. I mean follow them around hardcore. Not in a creepy way though. You don’t want Air Marshals getting involved. It is important to keep your eye on them the entire time. If you lose them be sure to have a back up skinny person. Follow them on to the plane and pray they have a seat next to them. Once you find them you sit down and enjoy your extra space. They’re skinny they don’t need all that room.

If the flight is NOT full, rejoice! You just got yourself a spare seat next to you. Relax in the gate area because you know even if there is one open seat on that plane it will be next to you.

As soon as you step on that plane head all the way to the back of the plane. Yeah it sucks being in the back, but what sucks more: being stuck next to some stranger or having to wait five extra minutes to deplane? Yeah. You want that extra space.

The important thing to remember is to pretend the other passengers are like mountain lions. Once you sit down you make yourself look as big and scary as possible. I mean lean into the seat next to you. Lean like you’ve never leaned before. You want to intimidate the other passengers. Spread your arms out and assert your dominance by lifting the arm rest between your seat and the soon to be empty seat next to you. This will allow for extra spreading room. Next, be sure to pretend you’re asleep. No one wants to be that asshole to wake someone up to get the seat next to the sleeper.

In emergency situations if you know for a fact that there’s only one seat left, grab the emergency sickness bag and cling to it. Grab the ones from the pockets surrounding you and loudly state “I’ll need these.”

There ya have it. Sure-fire ways to fly comfortably! I use these techniques regularly. In fact, I used the second technique an hour ago and I’m literally sitting in an entire row by myself. There are four open seats on this plane and I have two of them. I’d say my method works. Or I just give off the “stay the hell away from me” vibe. Either way I am currently flying with my legs sprawled across the row and I’m content.

P.S. Always eat the peanuts before you finish your drink. If you don’t you’ll spend the next hour and a half swallowing your spit and hoping it helps.

Is This Thing On?

Today, I bought www.thelaughingpessimist.com, but I don't really understand how to Internet properly, so this could be interesting.

I'm going to try my hardest to be funny and easy to read.

Thanks for stopping by!