How to Fly Southwest

I’ve been doing some traveling lately and I found it best to fly Southwest. It is cheap, convenient, and bags fly free. However, the potential downfall is the lack of assigned seats. This is kind of awesome in a sense that if the flight isn’t full you can sit wherever you want. On any other flight I have found they frown upon seat changing. Maybe that’s just me.

As a bigger girl it is a struggle to travel comfortably. I always get nervous that I’ll get stuck in a middle seat between two bigger people (that happened to me once on United… Worst flight ever!). So I have come up with a plan that has yet to fail me. (If I knew how to do a flow chart on here this would be super cool. Since I don’t it is only an informative paragraph.)

First, figure out if the flight is full. Go ask the person at the weird desk where you’d upgrade your seat if you’re picky. They’re usually smart enough to know.

If the flight IS full then you go around that gate seating area and find yourself the most petite person there. Be careful not to pick a child or an elderly person. The child, obviously, could be extremely loud. The elderly person might want to chat the entire flight and if you’re like me you want to keep to yourself. Also, it is important to know your choice person could smell so choose wisely.

Once you find that super petite person you stick with them. I mean follow them around hardcore. Not in a creepy way though. You don’t want Air Marshals getting involved. It is important to keep your eye on them the entire time. If you lose them be sure to have a back up skinny person. Follow them on to the plane and pray they have a seat next to them. Once you find them you sit down and enjoy your extra space. They’re skinny they don’t need all that room.

If the flight is NOT full, rejoice! You just got yourself a spare seat next to you. Relax in the gate area because you know even if there is one open seat on that plane it will be next to you.

As soon as you step on that plane head all the way to the back of the plane. Yeah it sucks being in the back, but what sucks more: being stuck next to some stranger or having to wait five extra minutes to deplane? Yeah. You want that extra space.

The important thing to remember is to pretend the other passengers are like mountain lions. Once you sit down you make yourself look as big and scary as possible. I mean lean into the seat next to you. Lean like you’ve never leaned before. You want to intimidate the other passengers. Spread your arms out and assert your dominance by lifting the arm rest between your seat and the soon to be empty seat next to you. This will allow for extra spreading room. Next, be sure to pretend you’re asleep. No one wants to be that asshole to wake someone up to get the seat next to the sleeper.

In emergency situations if you know for a fact that there’s only one seat left, grab the emergency sickness bag and cling to it. Grab the ones from the pockets surrounding you and loudly state “I’ll need these.”

There ya have it. Sure-fire ways to fly comfortably! I use these techniques regularly. In fact, I used the second technique an hour ago and I’m literally sitting in an entire row by myself. There are four open seats on this plane and I have two of them. I’d say my method works. Or I just give off the “stay the hell away from me” vibe. Either way I am currently flying with my legs sprawled across the row and I’m content.

P.S. Always eat the peanuts before you finish your drink. If you don’t you’ll spend the next hour and a half swallowing your spit and hoping it helps.