Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I flew to Maryland for
Christmas and I thought it was going to be the best trip ever. Boy was I wrong.
Well partially wrong. I’m currently writing this from my flight after midnight.
12/23 2pFreedom!!! I left work and was officially on
vacation! I drove straight home and finished packing. Of course my suitcase is
overflowing (I am concerned that it busted in the bottom of the plane and my
undies are rolling about in the cargo). But I don’t care. I had plenty of time
to get everything together before my favorite uncle was to pick me up. So I
gathered everything, removed a few sweaters from my suitcase and zipped it shut
with “ease.”
12/23 3:45pI got a call from Southwest that my flight was
delayed from 6:30 to 7:20. Okay. No big deal. So I give my cat, my traveling
companion, his kitty Xanax and head out the door.
12/23 4:20pI get another call from Southwest; my flight was
pushed back to 7:45. Okay so one hour, whatever.
12/23 4:35pCheck in. “Ma’am your flight has been delayed to
8:55.” Okay. That sucks, but manageable. So I meandered through the airport
slowly making my way through security, grab a cup of coffee and get to my gate.
12/23 5:15pThe Southwest desk lady shows up and the board is
now saying departure 9:10. This is getting ridiculous. I don’t want to wait
that long.
12/23 5:18pStanding in line to see the options and the board
switches departure time to 11. 11pm. Are you f-ing kidding me?
12/23 5:20pPanic. The line jumps to 40 people long. Everyone
immediately wants to change their flight, understandably so. So I go back to my
seat, cat in tow. He starts getting ancy and smelling of farts. Lord help me. I
get back to my seat and I smell it again. I look in and my precious baby boy
has let out a nervous turd. I run to the bathroom hoping there was just the
one. (Turbulence- this is where I could die.) I open the carrier and there was
one little one. Thank God. However, he won’t stop clawing at the mesh in his
carrier and screaming. I sat in the bathroom and called my mom to see what I
should do. (Didn’t die, but it messed up my typing.)
12/23 6:10pSo with a screaming cat in the background I
decided I was going to wait around for my flight. I am filled with anger and
concern for my cat. I frantically asked for a pet relief area. They only have a
patch of grass outside. I don’t have a leash… That would never work. Also, how
often do you see cats on leashes? And even if I put my cat on a leash he
probably wouldn’t poo where thousands of dogs have poo’d in the past. So I
improvised. My cat and I locked ourselves in the family restroom that is
basically a small room. I opened his carrier and let him walk around. It was at
that moment I realized just how glamorous my life is. I was sitting on the
floor of a public restroom praying that my cat would poop anywhere but inside
his carrier. I literally prayed that my cat would poop on the floor in a public
restroom. New low?
12/23 6:34pIf that was a new low the I found the
sub-basement. I held Louis over the toilet and rubbed his belly. Praying he
would poop in the toilet. He did not.
12/23 6:48pLouis and I left the public restroom with no
success. He was still rolling around inside his carrier and scratching at the
mesh. At this point he had ripped off the claw covers so his razor-sharp nails
were exposed. Ouch.
12/23 7:00p I get back to my gate and sit down. The line is
still full of people trying to change their flight. I have no sympathy.
12/23 7:05p A young couple and their daughter sat on the
seats backed up to mine.
12/23 7:06p The daughter is really loud.
12/23 7:20p There’s a really dog wondering around outside of
his carrier. This dog is a lab/ put bull/ boxer mix. It is too tall for its
carrier and cannot stand. Drama ensues. Southwest does not want to allow her
dog on the flight. Southwest agent storms off saying they will get their
supervisor.
12/23 7:50p Delirious? A plane lands at our gate. Could this
be my flight?! No. It was the plane, but the pilots were wrong. They were
bringing in a pilot from elsewhere and we couldn’t leave without him. We waited
7 hours for this man to fly our plane.
12/23 8:15p Child was still really loud. She made friends
and announced so very loudly. I don’t want to hear her voice. Make her stop.
12/23 8:19p A group of three pilots walk through the
airport. Fellow potential passengers scream loudly offering them money to fly
us home. The pilots laugh and continue walking. We were not joking. They are on
my shit list.
12/23 9:30p That little girl is playing with the puppy and
its puppy tooth got stuck on her pants. She screamed “but these are MY pants”
in a tone that was nearly glass shattering. Make her stop.
12/23 10:11p A fellow potential passenger vomited all over
herself. This maybe 65-year-old woman was traveling with what I assumed to be
her husband, daughter, and two granddaughters. Now once you vomit all over
yourself wouldn’t you rush to a trash can or toilet? Yes, you would because
you’re normal. This woman just sat there and continued to vomit onto her lap.
Like she had never vomited before in her life and didn’t know the proper
procedure.
So she sat there vomiting on herself until her daughter intervened and
handed her a newspaper. Well of course it was late and all the stores were
closed so this woman couldn’t get new clothes. At this point she’s still puking
into the newspaper and no one seems to notice. Literally, there’s vomit on the
floor and the Southwest people as well as the other potential passengers are
either ignoring it or don’t know it is happening. I don’t know, but it was so
gross.
12/23 10:26p Pukey McPukerson finally went to the bathroom.
With her daughter. The husband moved his seat. How loving….
12/23 10:33pPukey McPukerson came back. Same clothes,
clearly stained. Her family refused to sit around her. I assume she’s drunk and
they look mad.
12/23 10:36pA Southwest personnel walks over to super tall
puppy and says it can’t fly. The potential passenger with terrible grammar
(from Jersey and proudly working on GED) starts to cry and utter inaudible
pleas. The Southwest agent literally asked her to calm down and speak slowly.
Once she reached a level of near-normalcy she explained she’s from Sarasota and
took a cab down here. She said she doesn’t know anyone that would take the dog
especially at this point. She begged and pleaded. The dog was drugged and could
sleep comfortably in the carrier. The Southwest lady clearly felt bad for the
Jersey native, that had clearly missed her connecting flight and allowed the
dog to fly. People around her literally cheered. It was weird. I mean if you
think about it she’s shoving a dog into a carrier that’s too small for it… PETA
petitions better conditions for chickens so I can only imagine how they’d feel
about this dog. Granted it’s only two hours, but whatever.
12/23 11:00p Why the f am I not on this plane?
12/23 11:18pWhy the f am I not on this plane? I have been at
the airport for 7 hours. I just want to be in Baltimore in a bed. My poor Louis
hasn’t gone to the bathroom in at least 8 hours. At this point he has been
drugged twice and is fighting it. Every twenty minutes he would wake up
screaming and clawing to try and get his way out of the carrier. It broke my
heart every time because there was nothing I could do.
12/23 11:30p Supposedly boarding soon. I just wanted to cry.
12/23 11:48p Finally got on that damn plane!!!
12/23 11:51p Pukey McPukerson sat right freaking behind me.
Are you f-ing kidding me?
12/23 11:52p “I’m going to need your barf bag too.” -Pukey
to her husband.
12/23 11:53p The smell crept in. Everyone else has sat down
and it is too late to move. This is how I’m going to die. I’m going to smell
vomit and old lady for two hours. Lord help me.
12/24 12:01a Christmas Eve. I was supposed to be sitting at
a bar right now with my friends in Maryland. Damn Southwest.
12/24 12:08a Finally off the ground!!
12/24 2:24aFinally landed in Baltimore. Dear Lord get me
away from these people.
12/24 2:50a My father found me at the luggage carousel and
my luggage. We also found the puppy had peed… Right on the floor. Spectacular!
12/24 3:30aBed! Oh bed, sweet bed!! 11 hours later, I was in
bed. No thanks to Southwest. I’m writing an angry letter.
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